Post-Holiday Confession: The Apology Echo Chamber

All three sons were home along with my granddaughter and daughter-in-love

I have a confession:

After all this talking about not apologizing for existing…I spent a good chunk of the holiday season doing exactly that.

My beautiful granddaughter and my son and daughter-in-love were here for almost two weeks; they live in Japan, so the first few days are always about the adjustment to the time.

Granddaughter built her first snowman in our front yard!

On top of that, we had a snowstorm the day before they arrived and it was BITTER cold!

The days were full—cooking, conversations, logistics, noise, laughter, and more dishes than I care to remember.

In the middle of all that, I wasn’t checking in with friends the way I usually do. I wasn’t calling certain family members as often. Text threads sat unanswered. Group chats went unread.

When things finally calmed down, I started reaching out.

And almost every single conversation began the same way:

“Hey! I’m so sorry I didn’t call you over the holidays…”

And do you know what I got back?

“Oh my gosh, I’m sorry I didn’t call you!” “No, I’ve been the one missing… I’m sorry!” “I was thinking of you, but I got so busy, I’m sorry too.”

We created this little apology echo chamber. Two grown ass people, both carrying guilt for not being endlessly available, batting “sorry” back and forth like a game of pong!

And at some point, I caught myself and thought:

What is this? Why are we both apologizing…for being human during a very human time of an already overwhelming year?

Was someone hurt? No. Did someone lash out? No. Was anyone actually upset? Also no.

We were both just carrying this sense that we had somehow failed each other by not being constantly in touch. So, we did what we’ve been conditioned to do: We used apology as a default greeting.

Not “Hi, how’s your heart?” Not “I’ve been thinking of you.” Not “I’m so glad we’re finally catching up.”

Just… “Sorry.”

Here’s what I realized in the middle of one of those conversations:

I wasn’t actually apologizing for something I’d done wrong. I was apologizing for not being superhuman.

And they were doing the same thing.

We weren’t exchanging care. We were exchanging guilt.

So, I tried something different.

Instead of stacking more apologies on top of each other, I paused and said:

“You know what? I’m not sorry we didn’t talk. I missed you. I’m glad we’re talking now.”

The energy shifted. We both laughed. We dropped the performance and got to the real part:

• “I’ve been exhausted.”

• “The holidays were a lot.”

• “I needed some quiet.”

• “I’m happy we’re reconnecting now.”

It reminded me that not all distance is disrespect. Sometimes it’s just life. Sometimes it’s capacity. Sometimes it’s your nervous system asking for a minute.

This doesn’t mean we never apologize. When we truly hurt someone, we absolutely should.

But I’m noticing how often we use “sorry” as a way to:

• preempt judgment,

• manage other people’s expectations,

• and punish ourselves for not meeting imaginary standards.

That’s not connection. That’s anxiety dressed up as politeness.

And as I prepare to step on a TEDx stage and talk about what happens when you stop apologizing for existing, I’m realizing that this work is very much still ongoing in me.

I’m catching it in real time. Even after the holidays.

Maybe you are too.

Unapologetic Practice of the Week

This week, try this:

• When you reconnect with someone you haven’t talked to in a while, do not start with “I’m sorry.”

• Instead, start with one of these:

  • “I’m really glad to hear from you.”

  • “I’ve been thinking of you.”

  • “I’m happy we’re talking today.”

If you genuinely hurt someone or broke a commitment, own it and apologize clearly.

But if you’re simply human in a busy season, see what happens when you drop the default guilt and replace it with honest connection.

And if you catch yourself in an apology echo chamber like I did, pause and ask:

“Are we actually sorry…or are we just afraid we weren’t enough?”

That answer will tell you a lot about the lens you’re still looking through.

If you feel like sharing, know that I am a safe space to do so. DM or email me at Latrice@LeaderKeysUnlocked.com.

The Journey Ahead

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🗝️🗝️ Interested in taking the TED or TEDx stage? Ask me how I landed this opportunity, and I will tell you EXACTLY how! Hint: I hired some help...

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